Lowest of my Low

The end of the year is near and if I am to summarize what the year 2010 has brought me, I can say, not much. but I am not saying, it's all bad. I am happy with God, with my family, my love life, my health, my friends... I think I am being struck down mostly now with my career and financial... Things we need to do for our family and kids, some may not understand.

Did a lot of changes towards the end of last year until this year, bizarre changes if I may add. Changes that may have lead me to the lowest of my finances. If I am to review, this is the only downside of my life this year. Nothing so much, right? I mean, there are some people I know who has problems with their love life, some with family, others with health... I maybe looking at a material aspect of life right now, but this aspect will make a living for me and my family, my kids most especially, that's why I am feeling this way. To make it even worse, some of my possession got stolen today. Most of them are important identification cards, atm cards, credit cards. Mostly material things, but there are also those that has sentimental value. I am now really feeling at the lowest of my low, this aspect for that matter. Maybe not because of the things I lost, but the trauma it has brought me.

My husband told me a little twist to what happened to us which really made us light-hearted, little by little as we digest the thought. This may have been something bad that happened to us, but this also may have been the test for another person, the person who stole my bag, if 'he' can resist the call of temptation, the call of evil. Sadly, he was too weak to resist. God really moves in mysterious ways, as we always say.

What happened is sad in reality. Everything happens for a reason, right? So, I have to and should see the bright side of it. It may be now, it may be later. But I know, soon, God will show me. Sometimes, as I am thinking/feeling how down I am this past few months, I realize that I am pushing my self up feeling excited because of the thought of the wheel of change. Now I am at my lowest, it's not so far that I'd be rolling my way to my highest again. Let me feel this way for now. Tomorrow, as I wake up, I'll start my day with a smile and make sure that it will be one great day... at least, I'll try.

I miss you

Sadness has been attacking me these past few days. I am missing someone so terribly sometimes I couldn't help but cry. I've been with this someone almost 1/3 of my life until now. I just don't understand why.

Maybe because we have changed. He changed and so am I. In so many ways, I can tell that we are not the same people anymore. Yeah, I guess, that's why I'm sad. Because the people that we are before were more passionate, intimate, considerate, loving, caring... those people were more careful not to hurt each other, and in case, will immediately apologize even if the other is at fault, will talk about things or problems to solve, and not fight over it. I miss them, I miss you.

This realization come afloat while I was trying to help a friend; when I was forced to be in the hot seat and was bombarded with a lot of questions by 2 unmarried women with two different situations in their current relationships. The questions were not hard. But it made me dig deep... deep down my memory chest. Slowly, as I rekindle my memories one by one, I began to realize that these are merely memories. None of this are happening anymore. And now this memories are eating me.

I wish he could read this in time, before I wear myself out in tears and sadness. He knew that I am sad, that I am crying... but we never figured out why. I never get to open up myself anymore. This kind of emotion is something that will kill him. We've grown together yet apart in a way, that we can't understand each others feelings. Sometimes I feel he doesn't realize he's hurting me with his words. Sometimes I don't feel loved.

But this is just my side of the story. And maybe will only be the one I'll know.

This words seemed fit to everything that I am feeling now...

I miss us, I miss you...