Emotional Baggage

Inspired by RX 93.1 top ten today that was inspired by the tv series, How I met your mother..

Emotional baggage is something similar to an emotional issue from the past or any recent happenings that has not been resolved and is hunting or still hurting you at present. Well, that's how I understood it.

Wish I wrote the entries that Delamar read on air because I can barely remember them but I know they were all good. Some I can relate and some I can use as future reference for my kids. I sent in an entry but it was already towards the end of the show so that's maybe why it didn't made to the top ten.

This topic made it to my blog because I have one. And it's been bothering me for quite some time now. I just simply can't get over an "open-ended argument", if there is even such a thing. I haven't moved on.

If you are ever reading this, this is what I want to say: You said you're sorry but when you told me "those" things, I know, part of it are all true. It's not as if you accidentally dropped your mobile phone, and nothing will happen to it. Everything you told me registered, marked. And every time you say the three special words I would always want to hear, I'll answer back, twitch my lips in doubt, thinking if what you're telling me is even true. I always hear those words then and before and yet, you have come to the point of doubting it yourself. This issue should be over now. I think you thought so... But I'm trying as hard as I can to take it off my mind. I mean, you are doing better in your own little ways, I notice that. Sorry. I just can't help it. Maybe it's because I don't even know what's going on, on your mind. I asked you if it's ok with you for us to talk about what happened that night when we get the chance since we have a busy schedule. You said yes. But when we had the chance, I saw you panicked. We were alone but you never stayed still for us to talk. And even if you did, we talked about other things, other people, not us. I didn't think you are ready and so I didn't open the issue. When will you be?

I hate what happened that night. It did not only shattered my present, but also the future I foresee for us. I don't believe in it anymore, at least for now. Not being over-dramatic, that's just how I analyzed it. But I'm thankful it did happen somehow, for the sake of releasing all the tension, hatred, disappointments, we both have for each other. Like Charice's song, "Before it Explodes".

Now how do I end this with a light heart? Can I? Nope I can't. Coz, I don't have one.

Feelings

I can't seem to collect my thoughts right now. But I know, it has something to do with what I am feeling at the moment. Firstly, let's define the meaning of this word. Wikipedia says, it describes the physical sensation of touch through either experience or perception. Is it any different with emotions? Most people think not. Most thinks, it's one and the same. Emotions is the complex psychological experience of an individual's state of mind as interacting with internal and external influences. So maybe they're kind of the same. I'm really not making any sense here. My thoughts are crowded with gray clouds.

My sister once told me, that no one can ever invalidate feelings. Because feelings are natural. And ever since, I understood. Every person that I interact with, I began to be more considerate with what they are feeling because of this. At least I try.

Well, you might ask why I am talking about this. Because some people do not understand this and they tend to just ignore that some people are feeling hurt or happy, thinking that they are just dramatic over some shallow thing. With this kind of thinking, relationship can be ruined, friendship too. But a little sensitivity or knowledge that when someone is feeling such a feeling, it has to be acknowledged. I'm not even talking about love here. Respect of one's feelings is everybody's privilege and responsibility. This principle can be applied to anyone. To family, friends, officemates, etc.

For the past 2 days, I am feeling overwhelming hurt that even just a simple breathe in and out pains me in the chest. It's as if my arteries are blocked with something I'm having a hard time to breath. And even just a little squeeze of tear, makes a little better each time. All this thoughts are intertwined with each other and you would really believe how unorganized my thoughts are at the moment.

What's funny though, I sometimes wonder why some people drink alcohol when they are feeling depressed, sad, down, whatever synonyms you may think. Well, at least this goes to those who are getting drunk that ends up doing crazy things. But last night, I drank 2 bottles of vodka and a cocktail drink. And it felt numbness in my chest, even just for a moment. I finally understood what it gives and how it helps in a way. Just drink in moderation.