What's meant to be will always find a way.

I read from one blog that the 'Chairman' has a blueprint of everyone's destiny. Regardless of the options and decisions, they all lead to one solid end: the one that the Chairman has laid upon us.

I am such a fan of signs. Signs are clues to where you should go, what path you should take. And as a fan, I say, that I once have ignored it and regret because it led me to the path that has a lot of turns, trials and errors, long way to simply put it. But in my heart, I know that our God is in charge. I always believed that everything happens for a reason and that soon, everything will be alright. Sometimes, you really have to learn things the hard way. I tried to somewhat, manipulate things just so I could be on the easy track, but NO. There's no turning back.

Last month, I made a decision to go back to where I thought I made a mistake and possibly get back on track. I finally decided and took action and was glad that it gave positive feedback. I thought back then, in a few weeks, I'll be holding the projection I created in my mind in the hopes of making my life better, financially. But it has not progress from there.

Now, while everything was happening there, we were doing something here and I am happy to say, that we have started a business that is in line with our passion. Talking about happiness and time. This may not be what I had planned or created in mind to happen, but this could still be the way to reach what I was hoping. This may or may not be it, but we have to make something out of it. It has been our dream to have our own business, the one that we truly love and would enjoy working on. The business is not all ours but its a start.

I guess, what I am trying to point out is, it's God's will where I am now. And in God's own time and guiding, will I find my way. I never want to let it be. But I am letting it while I browse the so-called blueprint of life and destiny to try and find which way He is leading me to.

New Year, New Life

Most people feels excited whenever the new year comes. Some prepared a list of new year's resolution - things that they want to change for the coming days as the new year starts. I was once like that, during my high school days. At the top of my list is to go on a diet and always wasn't followed since it's been at the top until I was in college, when I stop making one. But of course, it never stops there. There will always be something that we want to change, we want to start doing or improving...

...new year has stepped in. The second month has began. And still I am frozen to the idea that is not bound to happen yet. A month has past and I am still in the same situation as I was last year. I am faced with so many options and not know which to choose. Not because I want all of them, but the opposite. I have such high hopes for something else that has not materialized until now, and it pains me to realize that I have failed, at least for now. I am so much in denial that I am having a hard time moving on. Most of the people cannot understand this. This is just how I am now.

But, with all of this, I have to move on. I have to make something out of what I have right now. Hard as it is, I must hang on. In a few weeks, I'm gonna start working again. I'm going back to where I think I made a mistake hoping that from there, everything will turn out ok. I have a good feeling that this year will be better. And with that in mind, I have to do something that will make this year better. And that is my new year's resolution said out loud.

Lowest of my Low

The end of the year is near and if I am to summarize what the year 2010 has brought me, I can say, not much. but I am not saying, it's all bad. I am happy with God, with my family, my love life, my health, my friends... I think I am being struck down mostly now with my career and financial... Things we need to do for our family and kids, some may not understand.

Did a lot of changes towards the end of last year until this year, bizarre changes if I may add. Changes that may have lead me to the lowest of my finances. If I am to review, this is the only downside of my life this year. Nothing so much, right? I mean, there are some people I know who has problems with their love life, some with family, others with health... I maybe looking at a material aspect of life right now, but this aspect will make a living for me and my family, my kids most especially, that's why I am feeling this way. To make it even worse, some of my possession got stolen today. Most of them are important identification cards, atm cards, credit cards. Mostly material things, but there are also those that has sentimental value. I am now really feeling at the lowest of my low, this aspect for that matter. Maybe not because of the things I lost, but the trauma it has brought me.

My husband told me a little twist to what happened to us which really made us light-hearted, little by little as we digest the thought. This may have been something bad that happened to us, but this also may have been the test for another person, the person who stole my bag, if 'he' can resist the call of temptation, the call of evil. Sadly, he was too weak to resist. God really moves in mysterious ways, as we always say.

What happened is sad in reality. Everything happens for a reason, right? So, I have to and should see the bright side of it. It may be now, it may be later. But I know, soon, God will show me. Sometimes, as I am thinking/feeling how down I am this past few months, I realize that I am pushing my self up feeling excited because of the thought of the wheel of change. Now I am at my lowest, it's not so far that I'd be rolling my way to my highest again. Let me feel this way for now. Tomorrow, as I wake up, I'll start my day with a smile and make sure that it will be one great day... at least, I'll try.

I miss you

Sadness has been attacking me these past few days. I am missing someone so terribly sometimes I couldn't help but cry. I've been with this someone almost 1/3 of my life until now. I just don't understand why.

Maybe because we have changed. He changed and so am I. In so many ways, I can tell that we are not the same people anymore. Yeah, I guess, that's why I'm sad. Because the people that we are before were more passionate, intimate, considerate, loving, caring... those people were more careful not to hurt each other, and in case, will immediately apologize even if the other is at fault, will talk about things or problems to solve, and not fight over it. I miss them, I miss you.

This realization come afloat while I was trying to help a friend; when I was forced to be in the hot seat and was bombarded with a lot of questions by 2 unmarried women with two different situations in their current relationships. The questions were not hard. But it made me dig deep... deep down my memory chest. Slowly, as I rekindle my memories one by one, I began to realize that these are merely memories. None of this are happening anymore. And now this memories are eating me.

I wish he could read this in time, before I wear myself out in tears and sadness. He knew that I am sad, that I am crying... but we never figured out why. I never get to open up myself anymore. This kind of emotion is something that will kill him. We've grown together yet apart in a way, that we can't understand each others feelings. Sometimes I feel he doesn't realize he's hurting me with his words. Sometimes I don't feel loved.

But this is just my side of the story. And maybe will only be the one I'll know.

This words seemed fit to everything that I am feeling now...

I miss us, I miss you...

- T - I - M - E -

What is Time? Is it something that we own? Does everyone have enough or something that we always ran out? Time. Time has been defined as the continuum in which events occur in succession from the past to the present and on to the future. At least that's what Wikipedia said.

Last night, as I was telling my eldest child to go to sleep, I was preparing for my "work". And then she asked, "Mom, why are you always doing something in the computer at this time?" I stopped. And then tried to answer the question in mind. Why? And since my daughter is waiting for an answer, I told her, "because you know, dad is working at night, so in the morning, after I sent you to school, I have to take care of him, and then mat and after lunch, I'll fetch you and attend to you." She didn't asked anymore. But I did. I asked myself why.

I tried several times to make a 'to do' schedule. More often than not, it's never followed. I tried to schedule what I'll be doing for the rest of the day, even for the week, also did plan the schedule of the family's activities, but not a day was a success. Though there were several activities we were able to do, but not all scheduled activity for the day.

This reminds me of the game 'SIMS'. That game tests time management for a person and later on for the family members and when mismanaged, the characters ended up getting cranky, sick, even sleeping anywhere it gets worn out. The 'sims' days seem almost like my days, redundant.

Time fly so fast. A familiar cliche always pops whenever I ponder the good ol' days, "parang kailan lang.." Sometimes I wish I were back in time, when all I ever do is play, too less things to worry about.

Redundant as my days may seem, I always try to find something new and interesting. Something that will keep me going as ME. I am a wife to my husband and a mother to my kids, but now I wonder, what has time made me to ME? Maybe, I'm just too sad at the moment. I had to stop writing.

Beautiful Life

Running has been my de-stressing activity since college. I've seen some neighbors who are also doing the same exercise. Some just walk, other's jog or run. I sometimes envy some of them who are walking with their family, kids and sometimes dogs. Me, I would normally do it, alone on a regular day.

But tonight's run is a little different. A few hours ago, I had a good run of 5kms around our subdivision. And I come across some of my neighbors too. One of which spoked to me. Even with my headset on and the music playing, I saw her smile and heard her say, "Buti ka pa, nakakatakbo. Kami hanggang lakad lang". I couldn't remember if I said anything. But I smiled back.

Those simple words made my night. I was so depressed when I started running. and felt lighter when I ended. A kick of the happy glands after the exercise and the nice gesture that the lady, maybe in her mid 40s, gave me, made it that way.

She just made me realize even more, that there are people who wishes something we have that they don't, and maybe, from there, we'll start appreciating what we have and start living life as it is, simple and beautiful...

C - H - A - N - G - E

Few days ago, my husband recommended something for me to read. It is a short story entitled, "Who moved my cheese" written by Spencer Johnson. It is a very interesting story about 2 mice and 2 little people and how they all adapted to change. As it is written in the book, the story shows an amazing way to deal with C-H-A-N-G-E in your work and your life. It was really a good read.

PREVIEW OF THE STORY:

~~~

Once, long ago in a land far away, there lived four little characters, 2 mice and 2 little people, who ran through a maze looking for cheese to nourish them and make them happy. Every day the mice and the littlepeople spent time in the maze looking for their own special cheese. The maze was a labyrinth of corridors and chambers, some containing delicious cheese. But there were also dark corners and blind alleys leading nowhere. It was an easy place for anyone to get lost. However, for those who found their way, the maze held secrets that let them enjoy a better life.

Eventually in their own way, they all discovered what they were looking for – they each found their own kind of cheese one day at the end of one of the corridors in Cheese Station C. Every morning after that, the mice and the littlepeople dressed in their running gear and headed over to Cheese Station C. It wasn’t long before they each established their own routine.

When they arrived at their destination, the mice took of their running shoes, tied them together and hung them around their necks – so they could get to them quickly whenever they needed them again. Then they enjoyed the cheese.

As for the 2 little people, in the beginning, also raced toward the Cheese Station C every morning to enjoy the tasty new morsels that awaited them.

But after a while, a different routine set in for these littlepeople.

They settled in and made themselves at home. They hung up their jogging suits, put away their running shoes and put on their slippers. They were becoming very comfortable now that they had found the Cheese.

One morning they arrived at Cheese Station C and discovered there was no cheese.

The 2 mice weren’t surprised. Since they had noticed the supply of cheese had been getting smaller every day, they were prepared for the inevitable and knew instinctively what to do.

They looked at each other, removed the running shoes they had tied together and hung conveniently around their necks, put them on their feet and laced them up.

The mice did not overanalyze things. And they were not burdened with many complex beliefs.

To the mice, the problem and the answer were both simple. The situation at Cheese Station C had changed. So, the 2 mice decided to change.

Later that same day, the 2 little people arrived at Cheese Station C. They had not been paying attention to the small changes that had been taking place each day, so they took it for granted their Cheese would be there.

They were unprepared for what they found. “Who moved my Cheese?” one hollered.

The little people’s behavior was not very attractive or productive but it was understandable.

Finding Cheese wasn’t easy, and it meant a great deal more to the little people than just having enough of it to eat every day.

Because Cheese was important to them, the two littlepeople spent a long time trying to decide what to do. All they could think of was to keep looking around Cheeseless Station C to see if the Cheese was really gone.

The next day the little people left their homes and returned to Cheese Station C again, where they still expected, somehow, to find their Cheese. The situation hadn’t changed, the Cheese was no longer there. The little people didn’t know what to do. They just stood there, immobilized like two statues.

The two tried to rationalize what happened. Thinking that the cheese has only been moved and figuring out how and where to find it.

While the little people were still trying to decide what to do, the mice were already well on their way. They went farther in the maze, up and down corridors, looking for cheese in every Cheese Station they could find.

They didn’t find any for sometime until they finally went into an area of the maze where they had never been before: Cheese Station N. They squealed with delight. They found what they had been looking for: a great supply of New Cheese.

Meanwhile, the little people argue from time to time since one of them is getting tired of just waiting for the cheese to be returned.

This little person said to the other, “I didn’t want to see it either, but now I realize they’re never going to put the Old Cheese back. That was yesterday’s Cheese. It’s time to find new Cheese.”

“Sometimes, things change and they are never the same again. This looks like one of those times. That’s life! Life moves on. And so should we.”

So from here on, one of them head on to the maze and find for the new cheese, while the other stayed at Cheese Station C. Later, with a lot of new things realized and learned, the one who moved forward found the New Cheese he was searching, now wondering, what his buddy has done after he left.

~~~

If you want to have a copy of the short story, I can send you an email. Just leave your email in the comments field. I recommend it too.

~~~

FEW THINGS I LEARNED:

~ Noticing Small Changes Early Helps You Adapt To The Bigger Changes That Are To Come.

~ When You See That You Can Find And Enjoy New Cheese, You Change Course.

~ You did not need to overcomplicate matters or confuse yourself with fearful beliefs.

~ You could be more aware of the need to keep things simple, be flexible, and move quickly.

~ He had to admit that the biggest inhibitor to change lies within yourself, and nothing gets better until you change.

~ Perhaps most important of all, he realized that there is always New Cheese out there whether you recognize it at the time or not. And that you are rewarded with it when you go past your fear and enjoy the adventure.

When I got back here in the Philippines, I was so sure that this is it. I did what I could and I am accepting whole-heartedly what God has prepared for me. A week ago, I was so determined of what I am going to do. But an email partly broke it all. Now, my state of mind is afloat. Wandering in the midst of confusion, worries, problems... Sometimes, thinking, I've pass this part of the maze already and yet, I still don't know which way to go from here...